Women of Sri Lanka

Well aware that my experience is limited, I have still been able to make some observations on life as a woman/young lady in Sri Lanka, which I would like to share.

I mostly talk to women or girls from two rather high income levels, and found that there is quite a gap between the two although they are not that far from eachother on other factors such as educational background.

There are the wealthy ones from higher middel class families, who have got an education, often at an university abroad, have been surrounded by staff that will see to all house duties, family would have a car - really rich ones a big 4-wheel drive with a driver - the less rich just a small family car. They work full time jobs as well as their husbands would do if they were married. Quite a western life style, just a bit more pampered.

The other group have a lesser income, but are still educated, mostly from a local university or college, are working and do not have domestic help, but their mothers are doing all the work in the house. Their farthers would be the main breadwinner gaining a middel income salary. They work - untill they get married - then they go home and take the role as their mothers has done, at least while the kids (if any) are small. They have never been abroad - apart from perhaps India.

However, an interesting difference, apart from income base, is seen when looking at their social life and marriage opportunities. First group of girls/women are the ones you see out in town, going for a drink or dinner, shopping and hanging out with friends. And, they are free to choose a husband of own choice. Not very different from girls in western countries.

The other group of girls does not go out, unless it is a family gathering. They are to be home before dark and not to be seen alone with a man. And, they are not free to choose a husband of their own, but will enter an arranged marriage, organised by their parents with help from the local astrologer.

In my office I work with girls (and mothers) from both groups, representing their different view or way of life. Arranged marriage is absolutely normal, I can have a conversation with one of the mothers and she would tell me that she soon needs to start finding a suitable husband for her daugther. In their house all work, her daugther works as well and have a bachelor degree. However, they are all is still living the traditional way with traditional roles. None of them have ever been abroad.

The other mother in my office states that she would not dream of arranging a marriage for her kids. She is however, very worried about her son (26 years old) as he is very spoiled. He has no knowledge about house work, he wants an educated girl, but he does not want her to work for other than him (in the house). She wishes to ship him off to England to gain some skills in managing himself and a home, but he is too lazy to take on the challenge, as she puts it and (and she is certainly not going to make changes in her way of pampering him, that would be cruel!).

Interesting is that both mothers are themselves in an arranged marriage, but only one (the more wealthy one) have decided to break this cultural tradition. She is by the way also the only one who have travelled to other countries and she has family in Canada.

Two of the girls in my office (23 and 27 years old) expects to go into arranged marriage. One girl once had 'an offer' to be married to a guy that was currently studying in England, she was fine with it although she had never met him, but he - having been in London for a couple of years - would not accept going into an arranged marriage, so he declined. This actually made her feel dismissed and she have now stated she will never want to be married....she herself has never been outside Sri Lanka.

The other girl might have a problem - arranged or not arranged - she might not ever be able to enter marriage. She is a lone child in her family and now her farther, as the breadwinner, has got a bad knee and will in the near future have to go on pension. This leaves her to be the breadwinner, which will probably tie her to the house. She has told me that she is not allowed to go out after dark (after 7pm that is), as it is not well seen. She cannot hang out with her friends after 7pm even at home, or someones home, as the same curfew goes for all of them - which basically leaves her social life limited to Sundays (she does not work Saturdays, but most of her friends does, so she cannot see them there either). How she will ever meet someone, even if she wanted, is a very big question and although she says she is really bored she apparently does not see a way around it.

One day at lunch this same girl said she was sick and tired of rice - well you got to understand that this is a bit chocking as everything and sometime the only thing they eat morning, lunch, evening is rice - I laughed at her and said I somehow could relate to that and asked if she never cooked something else. No, of course not - and, by the way, she never cooks - mamma does it - always! I kind of hinted that she might find it interesting and useful to learn, and she could see my point, but come-on mamma does it!

I find it interesting that traditional gender patterns are still so prevailant,  that 

arranged marriage are still the norm and is acceptable among the girls and that change only seem to come from the ones that have travelled.

The totally lack of social life inhibits you to actually met someone and fall in love, but there are also other rules of society that reinforces this pattern. For instance I learned that as a woman you are not allowed to take a loan in a bank for a house morgage or a bigger thing, so in this way you are also dependent on a man.

Also, Colombo does not offer many possiblities for hang-out places, there are no squares or promenades apart from Galle Green, that is overly growded and not a very nice place. In the areas where most people live there is nothing that invites to social behaviour, no shopping malls, green areas, hang out snack bars or so, so I guess city planning also plays a part in it...

Traditional roles are still very much dominating the relationship between boys and girls/ women and men, even if the culture seems to be about to change, although only among the more high income level girls. I have actually met a woman from a poorer family that broke the rule and found her own husband - she entered a love-marriage - as they called it, however, the prices was her mother never talking to her again not even at her farthers funeral!

Another incident that happened among our de-mining staff also shows the strong cultural patterns between men and women. Our Deminers lives in a camp during work period as often the mine sites are isolated in areas far from their homes and travel to and from work impossible. Well, being a very gender focussed organisation we have employed quite a few women as deminers and they are to live in the camp just as the men. They have their own section and toilets, but they are basically living in the same camp all of them. Within very short time we realised that the women - after having worked on the mine sites just as long as the boys - were now doing all the washing and cooking in the camp - well obviously that was a bit unfair and we had to put a stop to it to safe guard the womens rigth to have a break. There is now a camp manager who ensures us that this is not happening anymore and we have conducted gender awareness courses for all staff..

The incident just shows that even if the women are strong and working on equal terms as the men in many places there are still cultural norms that seem not to be questioned. The girls did not complain, it was us that insisted that is was not correct to take advantage of the female staff in this manner.

I am brought up with having to make my own choices and that arranged marriage and set futures are really bad for you - restricts your freedom of choice. But, for many girls here, marriage presents them the opportunity to leave their parents place and get their own home. To perhaps enter a social circle and meet some other people than the family. So I understand the girls in my office does not object against it.

However, I am still so much influenced by my own cultural inheritage that I hope for the girls and boys that they will be able to break some of the gender roles that restricts them in finding love on their own and to find their own recipe for what they like.  And there is great hope for this, the women here are really strong and more and more are having high positions in society, they just need to have a bit more guts and creativity in how to get about things. Perhaps a little more exposure to other cultures and way of life would inspire them to start cooking something else?

Anodja

Suhashi, Ridma and Shamila